I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
We talked him into tasing himself.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I deserve this hangover.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
