girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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