Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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