everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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