she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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