This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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