U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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