Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
