So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
