my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
