Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
as a side note pls kill me
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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