pop tarts are not kleenex
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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