70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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