actually, I'm a sock model
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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