I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
