I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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