Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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