You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
