Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
nutella sex= disaster
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
