Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
