Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Randomize
