Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
