I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
