Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
