yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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