ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
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