How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
