Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
