my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
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