my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
