I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
