btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
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