god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
