I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
