I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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