Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
