The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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