I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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