He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
