I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
