went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I just want nice things and good sex
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
soo... how was my night?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
