My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
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