im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
