Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
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