I wish I could teleport
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
