The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
