I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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