Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
