i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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