Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
