I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Randomize
