Will you blow on my dice?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
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I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
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If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
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