I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
