if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
