tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
time to smoke my breakfast
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
