Jerry, you need to find god
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
