This show inspires me to have sex in space
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
