i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
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my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
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I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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