Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
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