I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
